I signed a note to friends and clients yesterday with the closing line ‘with gratitude’. There are so many articles about showing gratitude, but I find many of them to ring hollow. I see lots of thank you notes out there that start out with a sincere thank you, and then comes the word: BUT. Yes, that word that erases all words that come before it. I used to work for a CEO who regularly had me read his year end thank you letter to employees, which usually read like this “I so appreciate all of the work and sacrifices that you and your families made this year, and I know that helped us weather the storm BUT we all can do more and work harder and the results we got were not acceptable.” YUCK! It made employees angry to read that ‘our best wasn’t enough’. Why does this happen? I believe it is because we innately harbor grievances when we can’t control what other folks do. The grievance turns to anger and that turns to something dark within us, that nagging sense of discontent. I have experienced it this year–I mean, what does one do when everything around them seems OUT OF CONTROL! For me, that meant I tried to control everything I could and felt aggrieved when others didn’t meet my standards. Not consciously of course–I was consciously grateful for my blessings, but just didn’t feel happy. Then something happened, I got sick and tired of feeling aggrieved and decided to stand in the light. My energy to do things was unleashed and I felt a renewed sense of peace and calm. How to get there? Here are a couple of things to try:
- Stop “Should-ing” yourself: Yes, you know who you are. We do things prompted by a sense of obligation rather than our desire to do them. I ‘should’ reach out to so and so, I ‘should’ work late tonight, I ‘should’ exercise. Sometimes these things on our ‘should’ list come from others (friends, family, colleagues and LinkedIn posts :)). Start to ask yourself ‘why’ you are doing something–is it to gain recognition from others? Or, to model behavior? Or, dare I say it, to be a martyr? Evaluate other, more honest, ways to express your feelings. Tell someone that you feel under-appreciated when you’ve worked until 10 pm 7 days a week without mention. You deserve to feel appreciated!
- Forgive Yourself and Stop Feeling Guilty for How you Feel: Face it, this year has been a challenge. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of silver linings, but we have been on the receiving end of lots of curveballs: think Sandy Koufax. A corollary to not “should-ing” on yourself is to understand that whatever you are feeling, whether aggrieved or grateful is perfectly normal. I’m not saying that one is good and another is bad, just that there are advantages and disadvantages in terms of your energy. So, wherever you are in your journey you are right where you’re supposed to be.
- Know that You Have the Power to Change your Insides: This is a fancy way to say that we are our own worst enemies. We tell ourselves what may happen if we act or speak in a certain way. It goes something like this “well, I know what will happen if I [fill in the blank], so and so will respond by doing [fill in the blank].” Our interpretations of others behavior go a little wild and they usually have no clue how we’ve gotten there–I mean, HUH? This is head trash–I know because I have lots of it. This is where we stop, look and listen . . . to OURSELVES and then adjust from there.
- Identify the Areas where you are Truly Grateful and Say it: Can’t think of any? This is a fake it ’till you make it thing for you. I have been damn lucky this year–my family is safe and healthy, as our my friends and clients. I have lots of love around me and people who care. These are things that I feel down deep and am trying to express daily–because they were getting blinded by the dark. Deep breath, you got this.